Essay-change a mind
A year ago, my weight has become almost ninety kilograms. I wasn't overweight like that before enter the university. But after enter the university, there were lots of drinking parties. Also I don't like exercising since I'm lazy. As a result, I had become fat. Although I had tried to diets, but it doesn't work. I thought I can lose the weight in military. Because soldiers receive a lot of trainings. I expected that I would lose my weight when I finish the duty and leave the military. But unfortunately I became military police in the air force. There were no trainings to MPs. Also I couldn't sleep well since I worked in shift working system. Finally my weight became ninety kilograms when I leave the air force.
The following day, I became a civilian, I took a summer semester in the university. And I got very shocked. Most of the people I saw were thin than me. I started diet again. I eat only one time in a day and refuse greasy foods. As result I could reduce my weight by eighty kilograms. I keep the weight from then on.
I think studying is like a diet. There are many temptations such as cell phone and sleeping while I am studying. And I make a compromise easily with temptations. If I got something to change my mind. I can refuse the temptations and concentrate on my studying. Therefore I think we need something which can make a shock to us and change our mind.
I like this content and detail. My English is not good but this essay is easy for me to understanding about his experience.
ReplyDeleteI think a trouble is himself. If he can control himself, he must be focused on something as a teacher or a lesson, he can do it.
Kanti
Hi Daekyu,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your story about gaining, and losing weight. It seems like the kind of personal issue that is a perfect fit for this kind of essay assignment. I think it makes a good start on comparing the discipline needed to lose weight with the discipline it takes to be a good student. Stick with your idea.
But I think you could do more to make a stronger connection.
How is losing weight like studying? You told us something about how you achieved weight loss, by not eating greasy foods. But how do you or how would you succeed as a student?
What kinds of things would you have to do to achieve great results in studying? We need a few more examples of your diet techniques and show us how they are similar to study techniques.
There are also a few word choice/verb tense problem you need to work on in this essay. It would probably be a good idea to read through your essay after you wrote it, checking to see if you think the verb tense is correct in every sentence. Talk to me about these details in class.
I’d also like to know more about what kinds of things could shock us and help us change our mind. You have a great start on an interesting paper, but it needs more specifics to fly high.
Thanks!
JBH